Who me?

learning to see myself clearly

Take a deep breath…enjoy the snow.

After I wrote my post yesterday, I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about  whether I would drink again or not.  So, I think the answer lies in the question.  If you have to ask, the answer is clear.  Why is it so hard for me to commit to quitting?  I didn’t drink yesterday.  I was fine.  I know it is the right thing to do.  For today, I will take a deep breath and enjoy the snow.





I’ve never paid too much attention to the new year, resolutions and the like, but somehow this year is different.  I have just made it through my second holiday season without my dear husband.  This year I spent most of my time alone.  Today is the final day of a 12 day vacation from work.  I only left the house three times.  Two of those were to eat at my neighborhood bar.

Just three miles from home, it’s a nice friendly place where I can always find a friend to talk to and a bite to eat.  I met my late husband in a similar place and lost him to liver failure five years later.

I have paused to consider my drinking before.  I have cut back before.  I never considered myself an alcoholic because I could go for days without drinking.  I could stop after one or two.  It’s time to face that fact that it still isn’t healthy.

I spend too much money on booze.  My friendships seem to focus around drinking.  I am the friend people call to go out, they don’t call me to go on a hike.  I am the friend my dear friend who’s in recovery calls when she falls off the wagon.  I don’t want to be that friend.  I know she calls because I’m not judgmental, but I would rather she called because I make her recovery easier.

I have spent a great deal of time since June 2012, when my dear husband died, thinking about what feeds my soul.   Summer went well, I hardly drank at all.  I was productive.  I was alone.  Fall was okay, but winter is difficult for me.  I hate the cold and the darkness.  I find that I lack the ambition to cook and eat well.  It is too easy to go out.  I know there will be people to talk to and someone it is more important to me now.

This is my new beginning.  Today I begin a new chapter.