Who me?

learning to see myself clearly

Boundaries – the universe thought I needed a lesson

how-to-set-business-boundariesThe universe has decided that today I need to work on this.  It still amazes me the way these things will start to show up everywhere.

This morning I found myself irritated first thing when I walked in the bathroom.  There was a mess courtesy of my 24 year old son, who clearly is capable of better.  I was then irritated with myself because I have said nothing about similar messes since he moved in.  I so want to have a better relationship with him, I fear pushing him away.

When I got to work there were more lessons.  I went to a friend to talk about a work issue and get advice, she made it all about her.  Then I offered to pick up a friend for a meeting, she said yes enthusiastically then said call me first.  I hate not having plans, but I said nothing.  I have showed up at her house in the past (she has no licence)  and she sent me off alone.  She also calls last minute for rides. A little later it was still bugging me so I sent a text explaining that since I didn’t want to pressure her, I wouldn’t pick her up or call.  If she wants me to pick her up at 5:30, she needs to let me know by 4:30.

Of course I felt guilty, so I googled articles on boundaries.  Took some deep breaths and got to work. A little while later this was in my inbox:

Today’s Affirmation:  I Shore Up My Boundaries
One of the fundamentals of taking care of yourself is to have healthy boundaries.  Try the following statements on today, and make up your own as they suit your situation.  Saying them will train you to be more judicious about how you expend your life force.I shore up my boundaries; if I want to be respected, I have to respect myself enough to say “stop” or “no” when it’s appropriate.  I shore up my boundaries because I’ve let the wrong-doing go on for too long; I kept thinking if I let it go, it would stop.  It hasn’t.  I shore up my boundaries with the one who doesn’t hear what I’m saying; I need to make clear that I’m not willing to continue if we aren’t communicating in a fruitful way.  I shore up my boundaries against the internal voice that harangues me with negative self-talk; I refuse to turn against myself anymore.  I shore up my boundaries with anyone who is depleting my energy; I have too much to do in my life and I need to focus and conserve my vitality.  I shore up my boundaries, but I do it in a way that is tactful…in a manner that would feel comfortable to me if I were on the other side of the equation.
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How is that for the universe sending lessons my way.  I clearly need to work on this. boundaries21

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Finding a community…

duckling fitting in


I never felt like I fit in…anywhere.  I always felt different.  I suppose that is the thing that many of us have in common.  Somewhere along the line drinking became a way to feel like I fit in, to try to be the fun girl everyone would like and in the end it was what isolated me.


Imagine my surprise when I began to post to this blog and I found a community of people with the same struggles.  I could read about their thoughts and feel less alone.  When I wrote, you responded and I felt less alone.  I found my way to the halls of AA and again, found people who are warm and welcoming.  After only a few days, I no longer felt like an outsider, I knew I belonged.

I am beginning to realize that, after a life of being a chameleon, my greatest challenge moving forward may be staying true to myself.  I am starting to see that I need to be a bit more careful about how I spend my time; it’s precious.  I need to find a way to nurture relationships that are good for me.  The relationships that have a negative tone need to change or I need to let go.  This is for my survival.

This part of my life has to be about learning who I am and being comfortable and happy with myself.




Seeing people clearly…


As I work on building the life I need and want, it has become clear to me that there are people and things that clearly do not fit.  The things are easy to see.  Alcohol doesn’t work for me.  I feel better when I eat well and drink plenty of water….   People and relationships are so complex; it is much more difficult to make sense of them.

I have a long history of finding people disappointing.  Now, if I am honest with myself, I know that there is not a large contingent of people who stay up nights thinking of ways to disappoint me.  The problem lies with my expectations.  I have learned that you must strive to see a person for who they are and then accept them, or not.  It really is that simple.

Notice, I didn’t say easy.  It is decidedly NOT easy.  If you are like me, you want to be liked.  You don’t want to hurt anyone.  You want to be a good friend and be there for your friends in their time of need.  It is ridiculously difficult to look at a friendship and realize that it is all one-sided.  It is sad, but you cannot build a healthy relationship based on negative things.  AND you can’t expect more of someone than they are capable of, it is a plan for disappointment and in the worst case anger.

I know these things, but I am having a terrible time coming to a place where I can let go.  I need to build friendships that add to my life in a positive way.  I do not need drama or people that thrive on it.  I am declaring my life a drama-free zone.  Now, I just need to figure out how to implement that kindly.