Who me?

learning to see myself clearly

Yes, me.

on January 10, 2014

If you go back to my beginning posts, you will see that I have been reluctant to declare myself an alcoholic.  I haven’t declared that I will never drink again and Tuesday, when I went to my first meeting, I felt very out of place.  Wednesday, I felt like an imposter.  My story doesn’t have a rock bottom.  I never dragged myself across hot coals to get a bottle.  Then I read this, I am a high bottom alcoholic on Emotional Drinking.  That was me.

Then I came upon another article, Almost Alcoholic, by the Sober Journalist, and I knew.  I am an alcoholic.  I just figured it out sooner than many.  I have spent the last 35 years in a spiral.  I would catch myself in an unhealthy pattern and pull it together, for a while.  Sometimes life threw me so much that I had to steel myself against it and power through.  I was the strong one when 2 of my 3 boys had drug and alcohol problems.  I was the one who held it together when my husband was killing himself with booze, he died June 2012 of liver failure at age 44.  Each time however, I would toast the end of the crisis and eventually find myself in a worse place than before.  I was lucky.  I was frequently in viewing distance of rock bottom.  I watched those around me reach it, but I would avoid complete disaster.

Last summer, one of my boys began his recovery.  In September, another of my boys and his girlfriend came to live with me.  We haven’t spent much time together in 7 years.  I was in a bad pattern and last week I decided that I didn’t like how I looked through their eyes.  Rebuilding my relationship with him and taking charge of my life is important.

Last night, I went to another meeting.  This one felt like home.  I knew I belonged, that I needed to be there.  I am an alcoholic.  I’m just one of the lucky ones who didn’t lose everything figuring it out.



5 responses to “Yes, me.

  1. fern says:

    Thanks for mentioning my blog in your post. I look forward to following your journey.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband to this. And glad that you and your boys are in recovery. Amazing how we can be surrounded by it and think we are immune, but still fall to it. Many in al-anon and ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) become alcoholics and addicts themselves, even though they have seen the pain and wreckage the illness heaps on.

    I love how you felt at home in the meeting. that is how I feel whenever I go…regardless if I know the people or not. It’s still home, because as long as we can share of ourselves, then I will always know that I am supposed to be there. No shame, no judgement.


  3. iamsobernow says:

    Me too. I am an alcoholic and have finally chosen to face that truth. There is tremendous relief in saying it out loud, shining a light on it, not hiding from it anymore.

  4. ots2014 says:

    I resonate with this, and felt the same exact reluctance to declare myself a true alcoholic for many years now. But it is a relief to find your own truth and work from there. You are not alone, I am right here on the path beside you:)

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