Who me?

learning to see myself clearly


on January 1, 2014


I’ve never paid too much attention to the new year, resolutions and the like, but somehow this year is different.  I have just made it through my second holiday season without my dear husband.  This year I spent most of my time alone.  Today is the final day of a 12 day vacation from work.  I only left the house three times.  Two of those were to eat at my neighborhood bar.

Just three miles from home, it’s a nice friendly place where I can always find a friend to talk to and a bite to eat.  I met my late husband in a similar place and lost him to liver failure five years later.

I have paused to consider my drinking before.  I have cut back before.  I never considered myself an alcoholic because I could go for days without drinking.  I could stop after one or two.  It’s time to face that fact that it still isn’t healthy.

I spend too much money on booze.  My friendships seem to focus around drinking.  I am the friend people call to go out, they don’t call me to go on a hike.  I am the friend my dear friend who’s in recovery calls when she falls off the wagon.  I don’t want to be that friend.  I know she calls because I’m not judgmental, but I would rather she called because I make her recovery easier.

I have spent a great deal of time since June 2012, when my dear husband died, thinking about what feeds my soul.   Summer went well, I hardly drank at all.  I was productive.  I was alone.  Fall was okay, but winter is difficult for me.  I hate the cold and the darkness.  I find that I lack the ambition to cook and eat well.  It is too easy to go out.  I know there will be people to talk to and someone it is more important to me now.

This is my new beginning.  Today I begin a new chapter.


4 responses to “Beginnings

  1. Corbie says:

    I’ve just begun my journey, too, and I’m discovering that there is a great blogging community here. Everyone has each other’s back, and that really helps.

    I’ll be following your journey!

  2. WineMonster says:

    I’m excited about your journey. I’ll be here for you. So sorry for your loss. My wish for you is to find friends that you can share healthy pastimes with – like hiking. And now you’ll have so much more money to do things, now that you won’t be spending it on the drink. I hear you about the winter doldrums and not feeling motivated. Maybe a new cookbook will inspire you to try new recipes and eat better. I wish you much luck.

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